What Is Wild, Wonderful, and For Lovers? (The Virginia's)

Virginia

The itinerary had us set to meet up with Jen’s friend Brandy and her family in West Virginia. After waking up in the nice Virginia rest stop, we decided that we needed to get some breakfast. On our way to find a restaurant, we drove through some of the thickest fog we have ever witnessed. The fog was so hard to see through that we tailed a truck and just followed it as best we could. After the fog thinned out a bit, we were reminded of the hunger in our bellies. As we drove the freeway, we could see the sign. We drove to one of the millions of Waffle Houses that we had seen on our trip. It was as if they were taunting us the whole time we were in the south with their bright yellow signs with black letters just waiting for us to come and eat. We finally succumbed to the pressure of eating at one and sat down at a table.

The place was decent enough and it was set up like a standard diner, with tables and a counter that you could also eat at. We got a small booth and looked over the menu. We ordered up and waited for our food. The whole system they had was very rudimentary as the waitresses/waiters would just recite the orders to the cook. To me this left a lot of room for error as the cook sort of just set up a plate to the order with certain cues that would let him know what went on that plate. They were definitely pros at it, because they got our order right, but it just seems like writing down the order and giving it to the cook, like they do in most all other restaurants would be easier. Long story short, the food was pretty good, and at a decent price.

West Virginia

We decided to take the scenic route through West Virginia for a couple of different reasons. For one, we had a good chunk of time to kill and another reason was that there were no tolls. It turns out that West Virginia is a very pretty state. Being in the Appalachian’s was nice scenery that was covered with green trees and mountains. The roads we drove were also covered with drivers that were insane.

The roads (not including freeways) in West Virginia are very narrow. They have room for maybe the exact width of two cars, which seemed like it was about only a car and a half wide. People also like drive really fast down the slim roads that are very curvy. It was hard enough to drive the road by ourselves let alone when an SUV is barreling towards you at easily fifteen to twenty miles an hour over the speed limit, especially when they are driving over the yellow dividing line in the street. So we drove the rest of the way to meet up with Brandy very cautiously.

Now I don’t want to offend people from West Virginia, because there were certainly some stand-up people who are awesome in the state, but if you have an idea of backwoods folks, chances are they live in West Virginia. People run the gamut from characters straight out of the blue collar comedy tour. I thought we would meet and see some crazy people in the south but it wasn’t until we came to West Virginia that we would see the real back country folk.

(Note: The preceding paragraph is for random people found amongst the whole state and is not directed towards the nice people of the family we stayed with. The unfriendly people may or may not be included though, as I am not sure who the people placing comments are. Please read them and comment for yourself as they are entertaining.)

Hunting is really big in these parts, and they hunt just about everything. We were given the know-how of this when we came into Brandy’s Grandmas house. It was a Sunday and on Sunday the family has a giant get together dinner. As we walked into the house, we were introduced to about twenty or so people, not including kids. The family was pretty much very welcoming and allowed us to come into the house as if we’d been there many times before. They treated us to a nice dinner that included some chicken, dumplings, biscuits, gravy, corn, and all sorts of good food home cooked food. We grabbed a plate and loaded up. When we were asked what we would like to drink I asked what they had, and they said pretty much anything, so I asked for a soda. Apparently in these parts it is not called soda, it is called pop. One guy decided to correct me a couple of times, to tell me that they don’t have no soda in the house. It was funny the first time, but the guy said it a couple of times, and that’s when I decided to keep my mouth shut. Eventually I was given a coke and we sat down to eat our dinner.

At dinner we met an uncle of Brandy’s that liked to share his stories of hunting. We spoke of eating our first buffalo burger and he one upped us and told us that we need to eat deer and a bear and then we’d be in business. I didn’t even know you could hunt bears, let alone eat them, but this dude swore upon it. It was at this time that we were treated to the term holler. Now, where I grew up holler meant that you were yelling and arguing hence the phrase “don’t holler at me” or “stop all that hollering.” In West Virginia it holds a whole different meaning.

A holler takes on many different things to many different people around here. It was even hard to get someone to actually define it for us. They all just kept speaking of it in phrases like “just head on down that holler over there until you get up the mountain” or “my holler has all sorts of wildlife in it.” I asked if that meant that it was a street or something of the likes and was given the reply of not necessarily. I was never given a definitive answer, but my speculation is that it is a road or valley that leads up into a mountain and in some cases it can be the backwoods of the mountain. That’s the best I can do.

After staying up and talking to Brandy and her boyfriend Oscar and some of her family it was time to call it a day and hit the bed. We were treated to a bed that unfortunately was on the adjacent room to the police scanner that ran constantly in the house. This was another oddity that popped up in many-a-places. Apparently most everyone owns and listens to the police scanner pretty much all the time. The scanner ran twenty four-seven and that made it fun to sleep through. Needless to say we woke up sporadically throughout the night to random domestic issues and neighborhood disturbances.

We made it through the night and were woken to the sound of what else but the scanner. Following the wake up call, Brandy’s Grandma whipped up a great breakfast that consisted of eggs, bacon, and biscuits and gravy. It was fantastic and was the second best biscuits and gravy I had ever eaten (first place goes to Brian Addeo’s aunt in California.) It was a great way to start off our morning which was going to lead us into a fun filled day. The two of us went on a voyage with Brandy and Oscar to explore the nearby West Virginia area.

Brandy’s uncle Eugene allowed us to borrow his car, since ours was packed and Brandy’s planned rental car had run into some hiccups. The four of us set out to visit two attractions. On our agenda were the West Virginia Mystery Hole and the New River Gorge Bridge. First up was the Mystery Hole which intrigued us by its amazing brochure that was so damn cheesy and campy that it was impossible not to go. The Mystery Hole was set up on a cliff side and it supposedly has special mysterious powers. We pulled up to the building that looked like an oversized shed and it had all sorts of nik-nacks all over it like a crashed VW bug into the side and some statues of Bigfoot and all sorts of wacky stuff. We went on inside and paid our six bucks and got on the tour. The tour guide was perfect as he knew the exact amount of chessiness to milk the tour for all of its worth. The whole Mystery hole was pretty much a glorified magic trick that played on your senses and fooled you into believing that chairs could float/rest on the wall with only two of its four legs and that water rolls uphill and a bunch of other things that defy science. (spoiler alert) In reality the room was just tilted and it was all an optical illusion. All in all it was somewhat entertaining and it led to a bunch of jokes at the Mystery Hole’s expense. I will let you use your imagination as to what they are.

The next stop on our trip was to see the New River Gorge Bridge, which is the largest arch bridge in America and the third largest in the world. The bridge is also the site of what is known as Bridge Day, which is when a bunch of skydivers and base jumpers jump off the bridge and glide down to the river below. The bridge was quite a spectacle as it was pretty damn gigantic and was very high from the river in the valley below. We took a decent hike down a crap load of stairs to see it from below out in the lookout area.

After getting some ice cream, we headed back to Eugene’s house. Eugene is a great guy. We sat around talking with him for a couple of hours. We talked about all sorts of things, like how the town is built on the coal industry and how he used to drive the trucks into the mines. The coal industry is pretty nuts, especially given how dangerous it all is. It’s so dangerous that Eugene, the man who bow-hunts and even hunts bear, says it’s too dangerous and quit working it as soon as he could. He was filled with all sorts of stories and interesting takes on things, especially since he comes from somewhere so different from where we are from. We talked way beyond sundown and before we knew it was almost ten o’ clock. We had a good time with Brandy, Oscar, Eugene, and family, but it was time to move on out. We had a full day ahead of us and a strict time schedule to keep to.

Random Facts

Definitions of Holler Given = at least 5

Domestic Disturbances on the Scanner = 4

Crazy Drivers in West Virginia = all residents